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This is a recurring theme at Rio’s, a place that is indisputably well above human average when it comes to male endowment. My questions are somewhat answered when the man steps out of the water, revealing undoubtedly the largest instrument I have ever seen. I have so many questions to ask in the name of journalistic endeavour (what sort of massage, is this massage free?… ) but I decide to reply with a simple “no thanks.” One man then shifts over and asks whether either myself or Issy would like a massage, his unnerving words serving to shatter what was previously an eerie silence.
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Is that the main reason he visits? “I enjoy being nude around strangers because it feels free and liberal, but there is definitely a sexual element to it,” he says, more eloquent than I expected. He tells me that he has had multiple sexual experiences here. I ask one of the other men in the hot-tub whether live sex is part of the Rio’s experience. You get the sense that most eyes in the room are drawn to the live action, although I find myself increasingly staring at a screen showing highlights of the previous night’s Liverpool game. The whole experience seems fairly innocuous, albeit fairly jarring, until another mixed couple join in and start to partake in activity that they probably could have done at home.
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Sitting by the stairs, I seem to have secured the best seat in the house – at least if the stage is watching male genitalia flap around in front of your face. This bliss is short lived as a pack of men enter the jacuzzi. The water acts as camouflage for our nudity and we relax into pleasant conversation: for a few minutes, it is easy to forget the bizarre nature of our surroundings. We hang up our towels and reluctantly ease ourselves into an entirely silent hot-tub. I can’t help but feel the heat of prying male eyes inspecting the latest offering of fresh meat, although I can imagine that in their perspective Issy is the steak whilst I am some sautéed spinach on the side. I’m handed temporary respite in the form of a towel and we take a tour of the facilities. We part our separate ways to enter the changing rooms – which should probably be called undressing rooms here.
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In a sign of things to come, Issy gets in for free on account of the fact she has more than one X chromosome. She reassures me as I fumble nervously to stump up £17, which seems like a hefty price for a night of embarrassment and self-loathing. Thankfully, I’m joined by my friend Issy whose experience as a life-drawing model means she is no stranger to getting scantily clad in front of an audience. Rio’s website claims that the spa “is a place to meet new friends”, although the fact that the welcome page is scattered with pictures of attractive naked guests suggests something else is on offer.
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Recently refurbished after a fire ravaged its facilities in 2016, the underground retreat now boasts three steam rooms and Jacuzzi’s, two sauna cabins, a plunge pool, a TV lounge and a garden. But no-one – at least for Kentishtowner – has yet written about their first-ever visit.